May 18 2008
Bipolar Dad - Suicidal Ideation
May Is Mental Health Awareness Month and I cannot help but think about my own frailty and fragility. It was only two months ago, I tried to take my own life. Thank God it was only a cry for help and I was fortunate to have a mal-productive coping skill to let go of my pain (SI).
Yet, I’m bothered at what my shrink has pointed out about me. See up till then, I passed off all my Suicidal Ideation and preoccupation with my own demise as harmless. Yet, as he so aptly highlighted, I have had many suicide attempts! Writing more notes about me he then prescribed yet another pill!
Was this last one a pathetic attempt of “a cry for help”?
Yes and no, at first, it was just to get me back on meds but I had a psychotic break in reality and… well let’s just say, I got a nice police escort to the hospital for a few days.
Now that I’m past the Dark Moments of this illness, I can’t help but think of my kids. You must think me to be a monster for even thinking of killing myself! It would surprise you to know that I am a VERY religious person, so how could I even contemplate such a vile act!
EASY! I’m Bipolar! It is not the “REAL” me. It is a symptom of the disorder and I’m sure there is more to it then just that but “that” is for another blog. As you might know, a high percentage of people with our lament will end their suffering with the ultimate sacrifice… their own life!
Do I want to be one of them… Well, yes, I do from time to time… That makes me very afraid I can answer that so half-heartedly. My wife fears the day I loose my battle but I’m not at that point any more… I cherish life and I cherish my kids!! I want to do what ever I can, what ever I have to do… to be there for them!!
Yet, my fear is the circle of bipolar will be passed down to my son. I can already see small signs with him and even how the other kids are acting. I think it is more mimicking of my mood swings rather than having any real issue.
I wonder and I pray they don’t have to traverse my road, my torture, my life as a Bipolar Dad.
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